Sorry Guys, Earth is Closed Until Further Notice

Justin Peters, Arts and Entertainment Editor|April 1, 2020

Due to the current outbreak of COVID-19 (aka the coronavirus), our planet is cancelled. The announcement came from President Trump (self-proclaimed President of the Earth) earlier this morning.

According to the President, the cancellation of our planet was put into place in an effort to, “…protect our country, specifically ours, keep the virus from spreading, and to keep the economy at a stable level. It’d be like eight coronaviruses if the economy crashed.”

President Trump met with the leaders of the major countries of the world (in a Zoom meeting).

“They all thought it was a brilliant idea and they can’t wait to see what happens next. I don’t know exactly what’s happening next, but it should be pretty good.”

A few hours later, The White House released a 50-page document on all of the adjustments being made to our planet. Some of these adjustments include:

  • Anyone who leaves their house must be for emergencies only and must wear new government-issued hazmat suits (seen below).
  • If someone were to cough within six feet of you or another person, you have the authority to open fire on said person.
  • Firing squads will be sent to many places such as Africa, Australia, and Gotham City to eliminate all large groups of bats. 
  • All of Earth’s bodies of water will be placed into a holding facility and all sea creatures will be sent to the nearest seafood take-out restaurant.
  • All non-necessary retail establishments will be closed (except GameStop for some reason).
  • Devices will be installed into everybody’s sink to make sure they wash their hands for 20 seconds. If the person washes their hands for less than that, a small shock will be sent to the person’s nervous system when they turn off their sink.
  • All streaming services will stop asking if you are “still watching” after long periods of time.
  • All families with yearly incomes $100,000 and over will be able to apply for “COVID+,” a service that allows faster test results and extra face masks.
  • The moon will be physically moved 6x its usual distance from Earth.

President Trump is hoping these changes last until Easter. “If the Easter Bunny is social distancing from everyone, he won’t bring anyone candy and we can’t miss out on such an important holiday.” he said. More details to follow in the upcoming weeks.