The Settler: WOHS Vending Machines Stop Selling Celsius; Students Riot
On April 1st WOHS was outraged upon realizing Celsius will no longer be sold
Violet Kohlenstein
Students at WOHS were faced with an alarming message Tuesday morning as screens on the vending machines in Tarnoff Cafeteria flashed with a jovial “Out of Stock” alert after students selected to purchase a Celsius. “I was devastated,” said one student who chooses to remain anonymous “I drink like 6 cans of Celsius a day which is fine because it’s only like 1200 million milligrams of caffeine.”
Since last year WOHS has stocked vending machines in the Tarnoff Cafeteria with 12 oz cans of Celsius, a popular energy drink with a sleek white can and an intriguing slogan: “Stay Fit.” Since then West Orange has become obsessed. Brawls have broken out over who gets the last can as agonized cries of “I’m going to crash out” can be heard as the loser accepts defeat, and exhaustion.
One student described the moment they lost such a cold war, “my hands started shaking”, they said, “I was so mad, and exhausted too. I didn’t know how I was going to get through the state testing without one.” The student continued stating, “My sleep schedule is already crap so I’ve decided to take a new approach: Not sleeping at all! And Celsius has really helped me work towards that goal.”
When students found that Celsius was no longer offered at vending machines they realized something needed to be done. Classmates who were previously pitted against each other in dramatic “battles for the last can” set aside their differences in a heartwarming display of human compassion. “It didn’t matter if they were the competition,” one student explained, “right now we are all in this together.”
Students organized a protest in the cafeteria, standing on tables and creating make-shift signs out of lunch trays and ketchup packets. “Save the Celsius” some chanted, others wrote in mayonnaise, “We can’t drink Fahrenheit! Give us back our Celsius!” After a bout of enthusiastic protest, students began to retire back to their respective tables reporting that they suddenly felt fatigued.
One bystander pointed out that students seemed to face energy drink withdrawal symptoms, blaming the side effects for their failed protest, “I feel like if they hadn’t been hit with an energy crash, the protest might have been more successful,” said one, “I mean they had big plans to storm the freshmen caff to see if any underclassmen had some untapped supply of cans.”
The protest ended quietly and without much success and the protesters were led to the in-school suspension office by security guards where they spent the remainder of the lunch block sleeping. One school administrator responded to the mid-morning drama, “I believe the administration tools step in the direction that suits our students’ best interests. These energy drinks have become an impediment to students’ learning abilities. To ensure they are their most present and healthy selves throughout the school day it made sense to stop selling Celsius.”
In place of Celsius, administrators have said that they will instead offer another brand of bottled water. And, caffeine pills.
