WOHS Freshmen Ban Comes to a Halt; Extreme Vetting to Begin
WEST ORANGE, NJ — On Apr. 1, 2017, a spokesman for the West Orange Board of Education (WOBOE) released a statement detailing the district’s plans to ban all freshmen from enrolling at West Orange High School (WOHS). This plan responds to the rise of freshmenaphobia amongst upperclassmen and faculty at WOHS. There are also concerns about whether freshmen possess the maturity and the capability to fulfill the responsibilities of high school students, and thus they hold WOHS back from the academic success of other high schools in Essex County like Millburn and Livingston.
The WOBOE’s spokesman said, “The WOBOE is calling for — you got to listen to this one because this is some heavy stuff and it’s common sense and we have to do it… So remember this and listen. The WOBOE is calling for a total and complete shutdown of freshmen entering WOHS until the school’s administration can figure out what the hell is going on. You have no choice. We have no choice… We have to figure it out; we can’t educate like this — it’s going to get worse and worse. These are students that have no sense of reason or respect for authority.”
WOBOE’s plan to ban all freshmen from WOHS was quickly shut down by the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals because it “runs contrary to the fundamental structure of our constitutional democracy and denies students the equal access to public schooling.”
The complete ban of freshmen was also doubted by many as a sufficient long-term solution to freshmenaphobia. The WOHS Senior Class Council voiced their concerns with the policy. “If there are no freshmen at WOHS, sophomores will become the new freshmen. We do not want to any cases of sophomorephobia before we can cure freshmenaphobia.”
As a result of the court’s decision, WOBOE’s ban has been downgraded to an intense series of screening measures. Although specifics of the screening process still remain vague, it has been likened to “extreme vetting” of the Trump administration’s immigration policy.
The WOHS Security Office has also supported the plan to vet incoming freshmen in a statement that reads, “In order to protect Mountaineers, we must ensure that those attending this school don’t bear hostile attitudes to our district’s founding principles. We will fully support the board of education and do whatever it takes to makes sure that only the cream of the crop of incoming freshmen attend WOHS.”
At press time, the preliminary criteria assessed in this extreme vetting process includes: a demonstration of academic proficiency through PARCC test scores (yes it finally has a purpose); a character check by supplying a minimum of three letters of recommendation; and a “hall test” to see if freshmen can walk in the halls without disturbing a normal flow of foot traffic.